She lived in my townhouse complex.
She was a vice president for a major car manufacturer.
She was on the way to the shore.
I gave her the Sexual Libido Understanding Test. "Slut Quiz" for short.
Here are her answers:
1. Your bedroom becomes, through no fault of your own, a crime scene. When it is scoured by the investigators, they will most likely find…
a. kids' toys, clothes on the floor, a rumpled bed and a copy of Ladies Home Journal magazine.
b. An oblong appliance shaped like a bullet
c. An oblong appliance shaped like a bullet and handcuffs (only for my partner)
d. A battery operated appliance that could be used for a back massage, for other more naughty uses
e. DVDs or videos that would curl your mother's hair
f. DVDs or videos that would curl your mother's hair, with you as the star
g. A room fit to be in Architectural Digest
She answered b, c and d.
2. If the crime scene investigators did find a vibrator, would it be:
a. A simple plastic buzzing type
b. A jelly cylinder with bumps
c. A jelly cylinder with rotating beads and a clitoral stimulator
d. A butterfly device with a remote controller
e. A two-pronged Y-shaped device, such that each part goes into a separate orifice
f. An industrial jackhammer
g. A simple waterproof jelly cylinder
h. The "Tongue".
She answered b, e, g and h.
3. If there were a vibrator, the batteries in the device tend to last
a. Two days
b. A week
c. A month
d. A year
e. Batteries? I plug it into the wall
f. Batteries? It's powered by a Honda generator!
She answered b.
4. You and your girlfriends are having intimate drinks at a dark bar, when the conversation turns to sex. One woman says casually that she routinely swallows. Your reaction is:
a. Nodding wisely
b. Smiling, because you love doing that
c. Freaking out - I mean, ewwww!
d. Swallowing what?
e. You never wanted to before, but you think you'd like to try it with this new guy…
She answered b.
5. Your guy asks you to talk dirty to him. You say:
a. "I can't do that!"
b. "What do I say?"
c. "Your cock is in my mouth right now and I can feel it quivering as I plunge my finger up your ass and suck down your come."
d. "Okay, um, I really want to have sex with you."
e. "What are you wearing?"
f. "Are you touching yourself?"
g. "I'm pulling down my panties right now, licking my finger and rubbing it sloooooowly on my clit, and now I'm touching the opening."
h. "Dirty? Like gardening dirt?"
She answered c and g.
She got a C- on the quiz, and her pictures were a C+, but I figured, what the hell. She'd stop on the way to her shore hotel and meet me for brunch that Saturday.
It was like seeing one of your mother's frumpy friends show up for a date. It felt like the sum total of my sexuality retracted into the undercarriage like a 747's landing gear in the moments after takeoff.
I fed her eggs and toast and sent her on her way.
I never gave her a second thought.